Breaking up is hard to do, especially when...
Ending a relationship is always a very difficult situation to deal with, but it's a facet in life. However, ending something that never was anything to begin with. Well...what are the proper feelings for that? Recently for me, a man (who I've decided to call "Bastard X") came into my life, one who I didn't think was too entirely special, and not really that impressive. I became close to him, and involved with him (if you will). Then all of a sudden, it's done! He pressured me into giving what we were some kind of title (boyfriend/girlfriend), but I resisted. Apparently, it was that, and some other events, that caused us to loose what we had.
Now, I'm new to men. I never was involved in any way with a man in high school. It's only been since I've tunred 20 that anything romantically has happened for me. I'm not sad about it, I take my time. But why at 22 should I title myself to anyone? I think anyone who gets married before 25 is retarded. I don't enjoy using that word, but I think they have serious mental issues, and should be in a home where everyone else is missing parts of their smartness. I can't tell if this is a feeling coming in with my generation, but I really lack a desire for the marriage and kids, you know the whole "white picket fence dream". Maybe it's too much "Sex and the City"?
If someone like Alan Rickman, Javier Bardem, or Seth Rogen came knockin' on my door, I would tell them exactly what I told Bastard X, "I'm sorry, I'm really not interested in a relationship right now." Granted, I would like you to look past the fact that these are famous people who would never be in Evansville on the University of Southern Indiana campus, and that two of them are too old for me, and focus on the part where I don't want a relationship. Yet, on a daily basis, whenever I walk past an attractive man or hold a conversation with a boy, my mind is flooded with thoughts of "I wonder what a date with that guy is like?" or "I wonder how I could get around to asking him out?" Sometimes it's all I want, but I don't?
And so I bring myself to my current predicament. How much lamenting do I spend on Bastard X? Anytime you spend intimate moments with someone, you're likely to get your heart involved. I've already done the sitting outside in the cold, sobbing hysterically, wondering what the fuck is so disgusting about me that men keep passing me over thing. I feel like today was such a fantastic day, full of self-esteem and happiness. But tonight, after putting my feelings in perspective, I'm thinking I'm way too happy about things already. I'm a little put off about my lack of sadness. I know you're thinking, "Ok, you're happy. Why do you have to put everything under a fucking microscope?!"
I fear that maybe my constant perfectionist in me, to be happy and awesome all the time, to always be that person people want to be friends with. And eventually it will get to me in the end. All the time I didn't spend crying and feeling self-pity for will cave in under its poor structure and cause me to go through some intense mid-life crisis (a la Lester Burnham). Do I prepare for a cosmic crash in a decade, or is this just me and who I am?
Or, I guess sometimes when you're at the highest point of stress, life turns back onto itself like a circle, turning itself into happiness right now.
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